Sunday, January 21, 2007

People Better Than Me

Music: Regina Spektor, "Fidelity"

I hear in my mind all these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

Sometimes I hear a song, and I get it. I first heard "Fidelity" roughly 26 minutes ago. I KNOW what Regina Spektor is saying. There are experiences in life that are so good they hurt. More specifically, songs break my heart--in a good way. Unlike Spektor, I only hear the music that other people's minds have created. People smarter than me. People better than me. It guess it isn't so much that I get it, but rather Regina Spektor gets it. She makes it easy for someone like me who doesn't have his own music in his head to get it.

"Fidelity" would be a good song to take your Ipod out into the world and just walk with it. Watch the world, and listen to the music. You're in a movie. You could be the lead or an extra. Doesn't really matter. This soundtrack works the same for both. The music streams in like atmosphere. The sound comes from the leaves or the snowbanks. The sounds of wheels and feet and voices and exhaust and the afternoon are replaced by the alternate reality of the song.

Some songs just have that quality about them. Something in its richness or sound. Not a hook, but something deeper and real. Not something that just makes you shuffle your toes a little. "Fergalicious" is really catchy, but that is not quite what I am talking about. I paused the song to the answer the phone, and I felt bad. It's that good. The last time I really remember a song like this was The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony." Maybe Coldplay's "Clocks."

We're all greedy. We all wanna be better than we are. I suppose Regina Spektor probably wishes she was better at math, or something. I get so damn frustrated because I can't do things I want to. I can't express myself in ways I'd like to--bits and pieces of something good or unique that I can visualize but am not physically or metally capable of creating with my mind or my fingers or my voice. I want to make something beautiful. I'd even settle for creating something that was merely good or satisfactory, by my standards but also by other people's standards. Something enjoyable. Maybe I already have, or maybe I will. Maybe I won't. But it makes me mad and jealous that I don't have great ideas in my head. I don't have songs in my head, and even when I do, they never sound as good as they did in my head. And even if they sound good in my head, they never have the capacity to break my heart. "Fidelity" has only made me realize the same things I already knew, that I am frustrated and restless. That my desire to create is almost always stifled by my pure lack of time, effort, and creativity.

I wanna get high. I think I'll have a chew.

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